What it’s like to be a woman and why men should care

Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey has entered the fray on this one with a very nice article. However when I look at my children’s future it’s my son I fear for with malicious girls faking rape claims.

I’m old enough to remember when being pregnant was the worst fear and you weren’t warned about the power plays of angry young men. I think that’s changed as fathers become more aware of their daughters. We accept that our daughters will be sexually active and we give them the information to deal with it.

I wonder if we do the same with our sons?

When I was a teenager I was a member of a Surf Life Saving Club and one of the seniors (probably a mere decade older than me) was a fantastic ex teacher who had been hounded from the profession. A girl had wanted to initiate a relationship with him (years later she’ll look back and wonder why, he was not physically appealling) and he had acted appropriately and walked away. I guess he hadn’t confided in the Principal though. The girl couldn’t lose face with her friends and made up stories about their exploits. Jealous “friends” then told their parents who complained and for this man it was “game over”. Such a waste.

I’ve spent some time recently with teenage girls, so much more self assured than I remember being. One has stopped dating because life gets too complicated. One started dating a boy her own age while her old class mates are dating “men” – and all were living in a small town. Her rationale is that the older guys hadn’t escaped to the city and are therefore losers while the young ones still have potential.

Harsh scrutiny when the guys probably just want to get laid and aren’t thinking too hard about why they date or who they date.

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  1. April 30, 2007

    This article was initially posted at blogger. It seems to be removed from there so I’d like to reproduce it here. Scott Cunning aka Singular Man, if that’s not OK please let me know.

    Protecting Yourself Against Rape Charges

    It’s a weighty, depressing, enraging topic, but any blog about dating has to touch on it sooner or later: Rape. Don’t misunderstand my title; I’m not here to tell men how to get away with a rape. My premise is you don’t plan on raping a woman, and my goal here is to preemptively deal with misunderstandings and the rare-but-dangerous false report.

    A guest poster at Political Animal responds to a recent Volokh Conspiracy post about false rape reports. There’s some interesting statistical analysis showing how even if an overwhelming majority of women wouldn’t ever lie about rape, the tiny numbers that would can tilt the numbers towards a shockingly high percentage of false reports (in part, because so many real rapes go unreported). These two bloggings–and the debate in the comments on the former–inspired this post.

    Rape is a difficult subject. It’s a heinous crime that is often very difficult to prove, because most impulses either wired or trained into American females involve hiding the incident out of fear, shame, or embarrassment, and/or destroying physical evidence. It’s not an easy thing for an accused rapist to deal with, either, as men have been put away by nothing more than a thin trail of circumstantial evidence and witness testimony.

    Some men accused of rape actually committed the rape; this is surely what happens the majority of the time, and these men are scum. Some men had sex with the woman in question, but believed it to be consensual even though she did not; this is a tricky subject, and I’ll deal with it more below. Some accused men were misidentified by the victim or another witness–I would assume this happens most frequently in rapes by strangers. And finally, some small fraction are outright lies, with the rape or the lack of consent fabricated to cover the woman’s ass, to get revenge, or for sicker reason like a need for attention.

    Now, if you’re the type of guy who’s likely to have premarital sex with a woman you don’t know extremely well, then here’s a quick primer:

    1. Consent

    No woman will ever say “No” when she means “Yes,” or push you away when she wants you to keep going.

    In reality, this probably isn’t true; there are likely some women who play games like that. However, for your safety and her dignity, always act like such women don’t exist.

    2. Breaking Up

    Be careful about getting physical in short-term relationships, and always break up respectfully and carefully in the most polite and least damaging possible manner. Don’t leave a sexual partner any unnecessary resentment; most women would never dream about lying about rape, but if you win that awful lottery and sleep with one, you don’t want to provoke her. You will likely be acquitted, but any investigation, newspaper article or trial will haunt you for a long, long time.

    3. Drunkenness

    Women need to take note of this one, too. In most states, drunken consent is still consent. Unless the girl is passed out (or on the verge of it)–or unless you’ve spiked her drink and that can be proven–consent is still consent, and the “but I was drunk!” excuse won’t fly. This isn’t just the law, it’s commonsensical and just. So, girls: Don’t get too tipsy.

    [By the way, spare me the e-mail about date rape: I’m talking about a girl who actually, either out loud or through reciprocating/initiating actions, consents under the influence; not one who isn’t capable of withholding consent or whose non-consent is ignored, nor one who is coerced. Being coerced and deciding to have sex are not the same thing; deciding to have sex when you’re drunk is not the same as coercion.]

    However, men, don’t take advantage of a drunk girl. Ever. Not only is it wrong, it also leaves the door open for them to level the charge of date rape. Again, even though you’re likely to go free, dealing with the investigation will make you a sex offender in the minds of your friends and acquaintances. Don’t take the chance.

    In other words, “No” means “No,” and “Yessshhh” should also be considered “No.”

    4. Choose Partners Wisely

    If you’re having pre-marital sex to begin with, avoid people who may have a motive to perceive something differently or lie about rape. Even if that motive relates to something hypothetical–like getting caught. For instance, a cheating wife who is found out by her husband might lie and say it was rape to cover herself, justifying to herself that you’re not likely to be convicted. There are many other reasons one might lie or have a different interpretation, so avoid sleeping with:

    1. Married, engaged, or otherwise attached women
    2. Women with a history of sexual abuse
    3. Pathological liars (hard to tell, I know)
    4. Anyone who gets too drunk, too often
    5. Anyone you just met
    6. Ex-girlfriends

    SUMMARY: Men, be careful who you sleep with, be 100% sure your partner is willing, and never take advantage of clouded judgment. Basically, treat every woman–conquest or not–the way you would want your sister to be treated (assuming your sister was having sex with somebody, which, obviously, she never would).

  2. July 5, 2007

    In each relationship, love, respect, and honesty must be present for the health of the relationship to be maintained. Her dishonesty was very costly!

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